dangerous compassions

this may be the night / our bodies fill with light

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

smoothie news

Lately we've been making smoothies using the blender a friend gave us. 

frozen strawberries slightly thawed
blueberries
vanilla greek frozen yogurt
orange juice

It's very simple and tastes like a smoothie from a very popular smoothie chain.

my favorite squash

This morning we went to Trader Joe's, and I said, "Oh my god!  Look at the delicata squash!" because they had a ton.  They are huge!  We bought two.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

nice

Ming and our houseguest have gone to the Sac Peace Action office to watch a movie about sacred sites being harmed.  Then Ming's dropping off our houseguest at the Amtrak station.  The guest will go north.

Today I napped because I got really exhausted.  And then we made a nice dinner of quinoa with veggies.  It was tasty.

Monday, August 25, 2014

cardweaving

Today we dropped off our houseguest at the courthouse.  Then went to San Leandro to pick up Ming's mom and take her to Walnut Creek for a doctors appointment.

There was a lot of waiting involved.  Also sadness because the procedure has to be repeated. 

We had rush hour traffic, but at least it wasn't too hot.

I texted with a friend.  He and I have good text conversations.  We talked about my year motto, Never In a Hurry.  We talked about defensiveness and taking things personally.  Jumping to conclusions.  Tomorrow morning we're having coffee.

It's a beautiful evening.  A dog is barking.  Our houseguest is cardweaving with some hemp cord I happened to have.  I was going to freecycle it, so it's great.

fun with houseguest

Yesterday morning we went to Fox & Goose, my favorite breakfast place.  It was fun to talk about religion.  Then we walked to the big farmers market under the freeway.  It was crowded but fun.  I was running on three and a half hours of sleep.  I was disoriented and having trouble making decisions.

Then we came home and hung out, thinking we'd make a late lunch but nobody got hungry.  We decided to snack instead of lunch.

Then we went to church and saw P and toured the grounds (no more lotuses, only their pods).  Then we saw Swami, who talked to us for only five minutes because he was hungry for his lunch.  But we had a nice fast chat.  He gave us prasad.  He told us to take grapes from the vine.

Then we went to Carmichael library.  I wrote a letter and read a little.

Then we made dinner and invited over HW.  She was a fun addition to our crowd.  We talked about political things, ate a delicious meal, went for a walk.

Ming and I turned in early and I slept almost ten hours last night, which was really good.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

no

Didn't feel the earthquake.

gmorning

I'm up still, cursing the chai I had this evening.  Ming says he should have slapped it out of my hand. 

The alarm's set for five hours from now.  We have morning plans--my favorite breakfast place in Sacramento (or the world, really) then the big farmers market under the freeway.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

mystery cd

Today was a weird day for me.  Ming had his 30 year high school reunion.  I hung out at Tilden Park by myself for two hours writing tons of letters.  Then we had vegan sushi.  Then we saw Ming's kids for ice cream but I had boba tea.

To make a long story short, we have a houseguest who is great, and I got a mystery cd in the mail!  So exciting!  No note, no letter, no tracklist.  We're listening to it.  Either the person knows me well or big coincidences abound.  And I made some tea.

Friday, August 22, 2014

from Death Tractates

I wrote two lines from a poem on the back of my cellphone in Sharpie last night, but they have mostly worn off already.  It's my favorite Brenda Hillman poem "First Tractate," and it's the last line of that poem.

I will quote the poem here in its entirety.

First Tractate by Brenda Hillman

That the soul got to choose. Nothing else
got to but the soul
got to choose.
That it was very clever, stepping
from Lightworld to lightworld
as an egret fishes through its smeared reflections –

through its deaths –
for it believed in the one life,
that it would last forever.
 
When she had just started being dead I called to her.
Plum trees were waiting to be entered,
the swirling way they have,
each a shower of
What.
Each one full of hope,
and of the repetitions –

When she had been dead a while
I called again. I thought she was superior somehow
because she had become invisible,
because she had become subtle
among the shapes –

and at first she didn’t answer, everything answered.

flowers

Our houseguest will be here tomorrow night, and I'm excited but hope I'm no longer contagious. 

Today we're seeing friends for lunch, Indian food.  We're bringing them some backyard tomatoes.  I want to bring backyard sunflowers too.  I wish we had some thrift store vases.

I remember when I was in high school bringing frontyard roses to the teachers I loved.

My therapist is the closest thing to a teacher than I have now.  I love her so much. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

appreciative

I got some spots. It's hand foot & mouth.  Oops.  Mom says Dad went to the doctor who said it's a bad strain that's getting lots of adults.  And there's nothing to do but wait it out.

My computer is fixed and Ming backed up the files, but I don't have faith in the backup system so I don't know if I'll be able to get the files off it when I need them.  Yes, it was the power supply.  We are $113 lighter.

We went to a book club meeting last night.  Consensus was that it was a boring book.  I was the boardest, not being able to get more than a fourth of the way through.  Ming was the least board, enthusiastically enjoying it. 

Ming is like the opposite of Mikey in the old Life cereal commercials.  He likes everything.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

better

Suddenly I'm well!  I think I slept it off.  Today I'm up.  We went for a walk, and Ming's helping me clean my desk.  We're going to have a houseguest.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

applesauce

Suddenly I'm sick.  It had been about two years.  I slept much of the day.  My throat's sore, I have a headache, my muscles ache, and my stomach does too.  Oh, and I'm super dizzy.  And I'm hot and cold.

I went to the dentist anyway because it's so hard to get an appointment there. 

I'm having applesauce, my post-dentist treat. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

win

Made Ethiopian yellow split pea stew again with less ginger this time.  It got a little overcooked but I like it this way. 

conversation overheard at the bulk bins

mom: Did you just drop some pistachios?
kid: Yeah.
mom: You know that's a sin.
kid: What's a sin?

nightmares by Laura-Marie aka why I'm up at 4:30

I dreamt this dog was jumping on me and I flipped off its owner.  I was yelling.

Then I dreamt about flying.  I was in a room trying to be quiet so the bad guys in the other room wouldn't get me.  And I thought it was a good idea to fly. 

Then I was watching this creepy tv show and getting more and more scared.  These men--maybe zombies--in this field doing a bad dance with a huge full moon behind them.  It was beautiful but very scary.

Then an evil animal emerged from some dead plants and headed straight for me.  I woke up crying out.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

how hard it is to be home again

This morning we walked to the co-op but didn't need anything.  We walked through the store in the early morning like, "We don't need any of this."  Finally I decided I wanted some elephant garlic.  I've had very good results with it in the past.  In some dal a long time ago.

Then we went to the big farmers market under the freeway.  It was very crowded.  But we got some fruits including the delicious plums that are actually prunes.

Ming's doing laundry.  I am struck by how hard it is to be home again.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

jackal-headed woman in the sand


again

Now we take our leave of Guadalupe.  Last night we went to a restaurant called Charly's Place for dinner.  I had their Basic Breakfast Burrito while Ming had a chile relleno with rice and beans.  I liked it there.

Yesterday afternoon we went to Guadalupe Beach.  I had no energy.  Then we went to the cemetery.  Then we went to the library, which was small and hot.

The air mattress is deflating.  Soon we'll be on the road.

Friday, August 15, 2014

my therapist's second-favorite joke

I can't believe a five-year-old told her this joke.

Why did the chicken half-way cross the road?

okay

I made the decision to get a smartphone.  So many times it would have come in handy.  The dumbphone I have now is messing up, the tap tap tap buttons.  So next month my parents can pay the taxes on a smartphone. 

How will it be?  Will I get all brief?  Will I become more anxious with something more to lose?  I thought before how it was nice not having to worry about my phone.

love wins

Gmorning, sunshines.  It's a misty moisty morning here in Guadalupe.  The rooster is crowing. 

There's an ee cumings quote on the wall in the room we're staying in. 

To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting. - ee cummings

Lakes of Canada covered by Sufjan Stevens



Have I posted this before?  My favorite song.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

what my little niece says

My little niece is cute.  And nice.  And sweet.  And pretty.  And likes to wear fashionable clothes.  Is awesome.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

problem crown

I'm having a tooth problem.  It only hurts when I eat something hard.  It's my problem crown. 

That's actually a good line, problem crown. 

I made mac & cheese for my little nephew.  Ming and I ate some too.  It didn't hurt my tooth.

I want to go back into the backyard and listen to music.

hand in friendship

My postal friend has a project.  I sent her my hand in friendship.  You can see it at her website.

http://handinfriendship.com

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

help

Candyland?  Check.  Chinese jumprope?  Check.  Checkers?  Check.  We discussed rules.  They had never played Chinese jumprope before and loved it.

I painted a treasure box pale yellow and you can still see the woodgrain through the yellow.  It looks great.  I asked one of my nieces what word I should paint on it.  She suggested peace, love, and happiness.  I said I didn't need help with any of those. 

party

Yesterday we played pin the tail on the donkey.  My tail is not pictured because it was far left on the fence.  I liked being spun around three times.  I liked the whole thing.

Monday, August 11, 2014

in Guadalupe

We are in the land of my birth.  We're staying at an undisclosed location in Guadalupe.  Today is my nephew's birthday, so I'm wearing my rainbow tiedye in celebration.  Yesterday we had fun with family and pizza and bought safety pins for Mom. 

This house we're staying in has no foundation.  Ming and I are talking about it.  "I wonder if you can lift a house and put in a foundation.  Seems like if you have enough money you can do almost anything," he said.

Also this house has no shower, I guess--only a tub.  Also, it's very old and has keyholes for skeleton keys. 

Tomorrow Ming's going to help distribute food for the neighborhood's poor.  The next day I see my best friend E.  This morning I see a friend I have know for about...23 years. 

This morning I asked Ming to get me some socks out of my suitcase and he threw them at me, which I didn't appreciate, so I threw them at him.  It made me laugh.  He is flexible.

Saturday, August 09, 2014

Sassy Oh


Forgot to say that at the Oak Park farmers market this morning we also bought a vegan cookie for $2.50!  It's lavender chocolate chip.  It's delicious (though I hate squirrels). 

forgive

Yesterday I wore my FORGIVE shirt for the first time.  My therapist loved it--otherwise, no one has commented.  I guess it's low-profile?

fruity booty

Gmorning.  The secret word of the day is watermelon.  We got ten free farmers market bucks.  We got green beans, strawberries, peaches...  I always thought nectarines were just non-fuzzy peaches.  But I now believe them to be different fruits.

Friday, August 08, 2014

Art of Being

Today I was given a small quilt.  It was a present from the women's center I go to for being in the Art of Being video.  I was also given some lotion and shower gel in the same bag.  I don't know what to do with these things.

This morning Ming got the tire fixed and bought some duct tape to fix the arm of my office chair, which is always needing to be refixed. 

I made some hummus and some pudding.  Those are both soft foods.  The hummus was very good but not completely smooth.  The pudding is still cooling.


free breakfast revisited

Last night Ming went to a vegan potluck and then a presentation by this cookbook author who was the cook on Sea Shepherd.  He brought fruits.  He missed me but had fun.

I saw friends.  We walked to a corner store looking for a flyswatter, but they didn't have any.  We ate dinner.  We walked to the dollar store where they had flyswatter two packs.

Before that we were at Naked Lounge with our friend ML.  I had a decaf iced Mocha Thai which had daunting whipped cream on top sprinkled with some grainy chocolate stuff. 

This morning I went to Wellspring for breakfast for the first time since our neighbor died.  I had boring oatmeal, buttered toast that was strangely unsalty, and a small bit of yogurt with fruit on it.  And green tea.

The person at my table introduced herself to me.  We talked about her plans to return to school and study anthropology.  She's going to city college and got a $9k grant.

Thursday, August 07, 2014

how 'bout remembering your divinity

Cooking makes me feel good like I got something done.  I made vegan garlic lover's pasta and washed some fruits and packaged everything up for bringing to a friend's house this evening, and Ming's going to a potluck.  It's satisfying.

This morning we walked to the postie and the co-op, which was fun.  Ming wants more exercise, so he went on another walk without me in the heat of the day.  Well, it's not quite yet the heat of the day.  And he picked some tomatoes for me to give HW.

Now Ming's washing dishes and "Joyful Girl" by Ani DiFranco is playing.  I have been listening to "Thank U" by Alanis Morissette over and over again on youtube.  Not sure why.  I guess for thankfulness.


announcing hat genius 7


Hat genius 7 is the latest incarnation of my poetry zine.  It features mostly autobiographical poems.  I'll paste here the last poem in the zine.

afterlife

Yes, this really is heaven.
Even the sorrow is beautiful.
Liquorice tea, tree frogs,
deep stone pools of water.
The pain of loss
is suffused with the goodness
of what we savored:
boyfriends, lemon bars,
endless afternoons.
I'm sorry I ever suggested
it was Hades.

friend music

Well, I'm up in the middle of the night again.  I was listening to some music, but I don't know where my headphones are, and I figured it was rude to neighbors, though I don't know if they could hear it.  I was listening to music made by friends who I am friends with on facebook.  Raymond the Sparrow, Devan Phenix, The Mildews.