last night in Colorado

Today we went to a place called The Malt Shop for lunch. We had ice cream, and my younger niece got sick on the floor and outside on the sidewalk. I had to clean it up because my mom has a bad knee and a bad ankle and can't get down on the floor. I almost got sick myself.

In the evening we went to my brother's house for dinner. I ate a frozen vegetarian meal they happened to have leftover from when other family was in town. It was pasta with veggies and pesto sauce. It was okay. We sat together outside and looked at the view. Then everyone went inside but me, and I wrote in my journal about everything that was happening: the dog Lola snapping at me, things people said, remembering my chat with G earlier in the day.

Tonight there's a wind blowing through the house, making the curtians fly. It's our last night in Colorado. Next stop is Elk City, Oklahoma--I keep wanting to say Oklahomo, which is probably what their rivals call it, whoever their rivals are--maybe Texas?

Erik has a successful hiking /camping trip to a Lake Tahoe. I've been able to speak to him on the phone a few times. They had a campfire and everything, saw a bear.

We're trying to put this house back together after staying here for a week. I never really unpacked, but I have a load of darks in the washer.

stress

Being around little kids is exhausting. I'm sensitive to noise and conflict. Their needs are so big, and their moods are so extreme. Today I got left alone with a crying three year old. We ended up playing trains on the floor in the living room then did a large dinosaur puzzle. Now Dad's watching news on TV and I need to retire. Waiting from Erik to come home from the museum--he's visiting the De Young today.

more reading life

I've been reading Bud, Not Buddy which is good and reminds me of Huck Finn.

reading life

Right now I'm home alone while my parents spend time with their grandkids elsewhere. My little nephew W doesn't know me from Adam. He's cute and sweet. We had him for a few hours today. He took a long nap, and my parents and I sat on the porch talking quietly for a long time.

I started reading Tuck Everlasting today and will probably finish it tonight. It's a young adult novel. It's okay.

deer head

Here is the deer head in the living room of this house we're renting for a week in Colorado.

new bracelet

The other day, on the drive from Flagstaff to Colorado, we stopped in Four Corners and I got this cute bracelet. I'm afraid the photo is poor. It's got beads and juniper berry seeds. I'm super charmed by the juniper berry seeds. It was three bucks. At Four Corners, my mom seemed to want to take my picture at that precise four corners place, but I was not into it. The woman I bought the bracelet from was so nice to me. She put it on me and told me about the juniper berry seeds.

wedding

Yesterday was the wedding. I had a lot of social anxiety, but I did okay. This morning I have some time alone before kids show up. I should wash the dishes. The owners of this house keep their hunting dogs here, for some reason, and they bark a lot in the night.

Last night I started the young adult novel Holes. I don't like it so far and might bail. Still reading Welcome to Lizard Motel. I'm thinking about sending it to my friend A when I'm done, because he's so interested in kids' books and in kids.

safe in Colorado

Hi, friends and family! Here I am in Colorado. Today's the day of the wedding. There's a whole-day itinerary. I am not going to the breakfast, the parade, or the water slides/setting up. I am going to pictures, the wedding, the reception....

Last night we slept here. The night before we slept at a hotel room in Flagstaff. I got some postcards. Saying goodbye to Erik was tearful. But I've been fine so far.

Here in Colorado, we're staying at a rented house for the week. I like the house, though there's a deer head in the livingroom. Another quirk is the crucifix in the dining room. I have never been in a house with a crucifix. It makes me sing in my head the Freddie song, if you know what I mean, from Nightmnare on Elm Street. There's no cell phone reception here. Sad face. But Erik can call me on the house phone. Only problem is the battery only lasts a few minutes (it's cordless). So there are challenges to overcome.

Last night my little niece M stayed over here. I had my earplugs in and didn't hear when she fell out of bed in the morning. She is very sweet. This morning they painted their nails. Last night she tried on all the clothes my parents bought for her. Also, my mom brought out some glowing bracelets they plyed with. M is scared of bugs, so I caught a moth for her and put it outside. But when I opened the door, another moth flew in.

the trip begins

This morning I finished packing, and we began our drive to Santa Maria. We stopped in San Jose for lunch. We had delicious Indian food there.

Then we stopped at Avila. We went to the pier and saw the sea lions. We went to Avila barn and visited the animals. I got bit by a duck and then a goat. (Didn't break the skin, but did feel bruised.)

Then we arrived at my parents' house. We had sandwiches and nectarines for dinner. I tried on a dress for the wedding that my mom had bought for herself but decided against. It fit, and I'm planning to wear it. My mom told me about the wedding. There's a whole-day itinerary. We watched Jeopardy.

I forgot to say that my friend CN in Minnesota made me a beautiful necklace and sent it to me in the mail. I will post a picture of myself wearing it as soon as I'm able. It's brown and knotted with square wooden beads.

We're leaving tomorrow morning at 8. I'll have to say goodbye to Erik. We'll arrive in Flagstaff in the evening and stay a night there at a hotel. Then it's off to Colorado.

compromise

This morning we went to my mental health place for the final time. (I lost services.) I went to do a drop in to get refills because I was out. I waited about an hour. Most of the waiting was outside before they opened, and I had to breathe a lot of cigarette smoke. Once I was in, I was in a group of 10 people seeing the drop in doctor. He definitely has the right job--he's even-keeled and seems very trustworthy and kind and smart. So I got a prescription for five refills.

Then we went for a walk at McKinley park. It was good to be outdoors and get some exercise.

Then we went to the thrift store and paid ten bucks for a large duffel bag. It was definitely not a good deal--I think it should have been about five dollars--but it was way less than buying new, and I didn't want to go to five different thrift stores looking for something that might or might not have been there.

Then we went to the library. I got the new Antony & the Johnsons CD, which I had requested months before.

Then we went to Kaveri for lunch. It was our first time there in quite a while--maybe a year. We ate some delicious Indian food from the buffet. We love the flavorful sauces.

Today I'm packing. Erik did some laundry for me. I feel pretty ready. I could use some snacks and foods to bring with me.

Oh, I shaved my legs. It was the first time since I was 17 years old that I shaved my legs. It's a compromise so I can wear shorts during the trip.

Yosemite 2009

Our Yosemite trip was pretty good. We saw marmots. We got bit by mosquitoes. We swam in a hotel pool and slept up in the loft of the hotel room while our friend and his sons slept in the bottom part. There were some good moments of conversation and a lot of persuasion, as in our friend trying to persuade his kids to do things, like to turn off the DS. The older boy is obsessed with a kid's baseball game. Now we're exhausted from a lot of driving and being out in the heat in Sonora and Columbia. Tomorrow morning we're getting up at 6:30 to be in line at my mental health place at 7 to do a drop in so I can get some refills--I'm out of refills because of how my doctor's appointment was canceled last month. Also, we need to get some luggage for my trip, so we need to hit at least one thrift store. And I need to pack.

busy busy busy

I've been so busy taking care of home stuff and getting ready for trips. Yesterday I shopped till I dropped but still didn't find a dress for the wedding. Maybe a shirt-skirt combo I've got will work--need to have Erik take a picture and email it to my mom.

Yesterday I copied functionally ill #5 and already have about 50 ready to go. I bound quickly. But I still have more to take care of today.

It's supposed to hit 104 here for the next three days. Tomorrow and Monday in Yosemite it's supposed to be nearly as hot. I don't know how we're going to be able to function outdoors. I guess pouring water over our heads will help. Dang, I forgot to buy sunscreen.

lonely

I intended to get up early and walk at 6, but I slept in until 8:30 or so. We got some things done, like I got a skirt and a teeshirt at WEAVE thrift. And we got lots of foods at Trader Joe's--we were out of soymilk, which is a difficulty.

In the afternoon, Erik washed dishes and did four loads of darks.

Tonight Erik is out with T. I wish I was invited, but I don't like the video games they play. I've been listening to music (Yoko Ono then Tori Amos) and writing a little bit. I seem to only write poems when Erik's out, or else at women's writers group.

They had organic grape tomatoes at the dollar store, so I had some in a salad, and I cooked up some for Erik's rice and lentils. I wrote a letter to C in Bishop. I chatted with my friend A, who was at a skating rink in Chico.

now that SAT scoring is over

I baked some vegan banana bread. We had some overripe bananas. I put some vegan chocolate chips in one of the loaves. That's the loaf that's almost gone. I told Erik, "It's not even like bread. It's like a mega-cookie." I thought about how chocolate chips is cheating.

We went to the library. I got a book of vegetarian backpacking food on special order. Don't worry--I'm not going backpacking. I just like backpacker food. I also got Morrissey's Years of Refusal (great title). I listened to it just once and think it sounds too normal. Some possible gems in there, though. One listen is not enough.

last day

A couple weeks ago we went to the office supply store so I could buy some 6 x 9 envelopes for sending out zines. It's right by a BevMo! We have always thought BevMo! was the stupidest name for a store ever and we would never go to one. But Erik has been longing for canned Gyokuro, and we thought we would try BevMo! because if all they have is beverages, maybe they have some obscure ones too.

So we went to BevMo! and found out it's just a huge liquor store.

This morning Erik got up at a quarter to 4. I got up about 5:30. I walked at 6. It was still cool out. Today is the last day of SAT scoring.

improvement

Sleeping way better lately.

getting ready for my trip

It looks like I'll be taking the train to San Luis on the first, and my parents will pick me up at the train station there.

Today I was researching nutritional info of fast food places in case I'll be eating at fast food restaurants. So much sodium.

I'm requesting some Playaways from the library so I'll have audiobooks with me. The train ride alone will be eight hours. So I need lots of listen to. I've got Madame Bovary, which is eleven and a half hours, and just requested Interpreter of Maladies, which is only six and a fourth hours. Reading Lolita in Tehran is eighteen and a half hours, which would be great. I actually have the paperback of that book, from a freecycle book box years ago, and I should take a look to see if I would like it.

I haven't SAT scored much today. I don't know if I'll meet my goal. But Erik's going to try for four hours (after he gets home from working the other job). Then he'll work just short of 10 hours tomorrow. Busy. I'm on page 14 of the manuscript I'm proofreading, 14 of 70. Getting ready to bail on The Unconsoled. If I don't get to like any of my characters within the next ten pages or so, I'm outie.

insomnia

Lately I haven't been sleeping too well. This morning early I was tossing and turning for an hour and a half. But then once Erik got up, I was able to sleep almost right away. I slept in until 9:10 when P called to check and make sure I was home before heading out to drop off the manuscript. I feel weird and tired. In addition to that hour and a half, I was up earlier in the night too. First Kitty wakes me up. Then worries attack me. Last night I was worrying about the camping trip we might be going on--trying to get a campsite at Cherry Lake on a weekend in summer might be a dumb idea. They don't take reservations. I really like our friend A who we'll be spending time with, but I really don't like Yosemite in the summer.

Today it's supposed to get hot. I wasn't up early enough to take a walk in the cool morning air. Yesterday I made a dish called rice and lentils. We got the recipe from a book of backpacking recipes years and years ago. So it's very easy and simple. I used red lentils from the Indian grocery and brown rice and extra onions.

Smart & Final has onions ten pounds for a dollar this weekend. And cantaloupe is five pounds for a dollar. Boy am I tired.

molybdenum

Today reading the wrapper of my Luna bar I learned a new word: molybdenum. I guess our bodies need to have it in order to function. But if you have too much, it interferes with your ability to absorb copper. And if you have too little, you might get esophagus cancer. Anyway, the people who make Luna bars think it's important.

I have been curiously trying the different flavors of Luna bar. At a dollar each, they're pretty expensive--but they're convenient, sweet, and have protein. Kind of like soy yogurt. Today I had Cookies 'n Cream Delight, and it was like an oreo cookie, kinda. I thought about making myself some chocolate haystacks and decided to eat a Luna bar instead. So it satisfied a cookie craving.

Listening to the Cure, taking a break from SAT scoring before my final half hour of the day. Washed dishes. Walked in the morning. Tomorrow my friend P is dropping off an interview manuscript for me to proofread. I was on a free business card site and thought about getting some business cards printed, and what would I say on them? I don't need a business card for making zines. So I thought about saying "editing and proofreading" but I don't have enough confidence.

night

Life is SAT scoring. This morning I didn't get up until 9:30 (I was up some in the night, with Kitty, and then with insomnia). I spent the day without Erik. He was working outside the home. He's trying to work eight hours a day at this other job and two and a half hours a day at home.

We went for a walk. It was dusky out. We didn't go as far as usual because Erik wanted to come home and score SAT. We stumbled upon a group of people in the church parking lot. A woman stared at my legs. A man said, "Nice night, isn't it?" or something like that.

Then on the way home, we passed the house that had some wood for sale out front, and a woman with a wheelbarrow was taking it away. It's the woman with the beautiful front yard garden with tulips and everything.

Reading The Unconsoled by Kazuo Ishiguro. It's very dreamy so far. Reminds me of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle in that way. But I'm not very far in at all.

The Year of Magical Thinking

I think it's good to think about death even though it's not possible to be prepared. I found this book riveting and fascinating at the beginning, and I wasn't sure I could handle it, but I got through. It started as a 10 out of 10 for me, and by the end I felt I had been taken though a full experience, the full year, and like I had a real sense of how this death had hit Didion, though I didn't keep thinking "this is a perfect book" like I did at the beginning. So that's why I've given it four stars rather than five. It's repetitive sometimes, but always for a good reason. Grief is repetitive, and that's conveyed. I couldn't relate to a lot of the class things in this book--buying houses, staying at the Ritz--but that was okay.

ghost

At three in the morning Erik's computer turned on. It woke us up, that annoying three second of sounds it makes when it turns on.

It's a laptop, and he had it open, so it's possible that Kitty walked on the power button (Kitty was nearby). But it freaked me out.

American Music

I have part of a Violent Femmes song stuck in my head: "I need a date to the prom / would you like to come along" and "every time I look at that ugly moon" and "it reminds me of me."

Do you like American music
I like American music
Don't you like American music baby

I want you to hold me
I want your arms around me
I want you to hold me baby

Did you do too many drugs
I did too many drugs
Did you too many drugs too baby

You were born too late
I was born too soon
But every time I look at that
Ugly moon it reminds me of you
It reminds me of you
Ooh ooh ooh

I need a date to the Prom
Would you like to come along
But nobody would go to the Prom
With me baby

They didn't like American music
They never heard American music
They didn't know the music
Was in my soul baby

You were born too soon
I was born too late
But every time I look at that
Ugly lake it reminds me of me
It reminds me of me

Do you like American music
We like American music
I like American music baby

Do you like American music
We like all kinds of music
But I like American music best, baby

You were born too late
And I was born too late
But every time I look at that
Ugly lake it reminds me of me
It reminds me of me

Do you like American music
It reminds me of me
Do you like American music...

visit

Yesterday my friend A came to see me with her two daughters. They'd spent the afternoon at Western Horse Expo. When she came to get me, we went to Howe park so the kids could play. I gave her the new zine, and she read it some while we sat under a tree watching the kids play. I read The Year of Magical Thinking some. The younger daughter really wanted ice cream, but surprisingly, there was no one selling ice cream at the park. So after only an hour or an hour and a half, we left for ice cream.

We thought we'd get ice cream at the co-op because A wanted to go to the co-op. So we shopped. I had my own basket. I bought a tomato, three avocados, bananas, some mung beans, some soy yogurts, some vegan mint chocolate chip cookies, and a rice dream ice cream sandwich. We ran into my friends M and S--I hadn't seem M in a long time, and it was nice to see them. I'm not really good with running into people--it makes me feel off-kilter to see someone where I don't expect to see them. It's fortuitous but a little stressful for me. I think I handled it okay. So we paid and left and ate our ice cream in the car.

Then the most exciting event of the evening occurred while we were driving me home. We ran out of gas. Always before, the low on gas light came on, but I guess the light wasn't working, because we ran out. Luckily we were within sight of the gas station and A had a red gas can in the back of the truck. (It's actually a Blazer, which I think of as a truck, but it's actually an SUV, and I heard A refer to it as a car.) So the kids and I stayed in the truck while A walked to the gas station. It was dark. We talked quietly. The younger daughter ate strawberries. The first thing the little daughter said when we ran out of gas and A got out of the truck to get the gas can was "Be careful, Momma," which I thought was a sweet thing to say and very good thinking for a three year old. So then after A got gas, the truck started, which we were all happy about, and they took me home.

The other most exciting event of the evening was when we first got to the park and the little daughter said she loved me. She repeated it a few times, and I was unsure it was directed at me. "Me?" I asked. She nodded, and I said, "But you barely even know me!" which is probably the rudest thing I've said in a long time and definitely the rudest thing I've ever said to someone proclaiming their love for me. Oops.

Overall, it was a very enjoyable outing and good to be social and out after all this cooped up SAT scoring. Thank god for the Western Horse Expo which brought them to town.

limits

I feel like I've been on the computer all day. I've scored two and a half hours and got bogged down trying to figure out what model my LG cellphone is so I could ask on freecycle for a car charger. And I read livejournal, which takes a long time.

Last night Kitty woke us about about one thousand times. He's been staring out the window more than usual and crying about it. He wants to be out in the world but is afraid to at the same time. Sounds like me. But he's an old man.

Excited my friend A is in town and I'll get to see her this evening.

Library has new limits as of May, a maximum of 30 items checked out and on hold, which is bad for us--we're maxed out right now. I have about 10 things on hold--one of them I'm hold number 150! so that will be on there for another year or so. (It's a John Adams documentary that Erik wants to see.) We might need to start using Erik's card, but it gets so much more complicated having two cards going.

magical thinking

Today we went to the park so Erik could run. This was a wonderful idea, to get out of the apartment. First we went to Howe park, but it was super crowded, so then we went to McKinley park, which was fine. I walked and then worked on a letter to my cousin S who's in prison.

Today I had choir practice. My friend P who runs the choir is sick. She should have canceled choir practice. She might have the flu. She's not going to worship tomorrow. (She has an accent from Idaho, and when she says worship it sounds like warship--I just talked to her on the phone.) I really hope I didn't get her germs today. I touched the handle of the harmonium where she had just touched. I washed my hands right when I got home.

I've been reading The Year of Magical Thinking some more. Not sure it's a good idea.

online volunteering

Last night I started researching online volunteer work, and I've found a few interesting prospects. I've learned about a website called Free Open University that I might want to get involved with.

Cloudy here. I read You Don't Get There From Here #11 by Carrie McNinch who lives in Los Angeles. It's first rate journal comix.

I've been really unmotivated to cook. A bunch of veggies in the fridge are getting past their prime. I'm not done scoring for the day either. Today's peanutbutter cookie day, but it doesn't look like I'll be baking. Blah.

letter to CDCR

Tonight I wrote a letter to Timothy Lockwood about how I'm opposed to the California Dept of Corrections and Rehabilitation's proposed lethal injections regulations. The main thing I object to is the unconstitutional limitations placed on the media's access to executions. If the government is going to be killing people in my name, I think I should be allowed to know how it goes.

https://secure.aclu.org/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=1574

Not sure if that link's going to work, but the ACLU site provides help for writing a letter of your own, if you're interested. I didn't want to email, so I wrote a letter by hand to send in the mail, but emailing would work too.

neck pain

Tuesday night was women's writers group. We had food, including See's Candy given by a boyfriend: polar bear paws and caramel-covered marshmallows. I broke my vegetarian vows by having a caramel-covered marshmallow (marshmallows, except for special vegetarian ones, have animal ingredients in them). I brought in "Personal Poem" by Frank O'Hara and we wrote poems about lunchbreaks. We talked about what we're reading and about religion--I randomly asked one of the other writers if she believes in a soul, which got us started. Our hostess played for us the theme song to Captain Planet, which I had never heard.

Tuesday afternoon I went to Vedanta to work with P on getting the bulletins ready to mail. Then we went for a walk in the garden and sat at a stone table and talked for an hour. She told me about her grandparents and her hard life growing up on farms in the Midwest. She's 74 years old.

Yesterday I drove to Howe park to go for a walk there and saw a circus setting up. I think it's a circus in Spanish because the signs seemed to be in Spanish. I was surprised to see a circus there.

Today a SAT scoring session started. I don't like it and need a new job. It's a pain in the neck.

I got a poem accepted! Freehand Zine is publishing "the most meaningful job of my life."